Sheenah Hankin

In my practice, I hear a lot of complaints about dating. I believe that anything we choose to do, we could do cheerfully. Having negative attitudes to a social activity that can result in a loving relationship is certainty self defeating.

Here are the most common complaints I hear:

Opposite Sex Complaints:

• Men only want one thing: sex.

• Women only want one thing: money

Give up these negative generalities: in general, sex and money are popular with both men and women.

• Men have lousy, self-centered values. Only women value monogamy and family.

• Women want to be taken care of. They complain and nag when men fail to do this.

Certainly you can find emotionally immature men and women who, like small children, lack empathy and want to be taken care of, raging, crying and complaining should others fail to comply. However, if you look around you, you see men, women and children everywhere. Of course men love families. The joy of dating includes the unique opportunity to refuse to continue to date troubled immature adults who are capable of close, loving, trusting relationships.

Self-Critical Complaints- Shame:

• I am too stupid, fat, old, ugly, or just a loser.

I hear these same five self-critical descriptions all the time. People tell me they avoid dating as they fear others will confirm their shameful fears.

• Men/Women won’t find me sexy or attractive. I cannot stand rejection.

Many people have depressing, self-critical shame habits, but feelings like this are not reality. Do not trust these feelings, and do not avoid dating for fear that others will feel about you as you do. Most will actively disagree. Do read my book Complete Confidence; it has helped so many with this problem that can infect you have.

Dating Complaints:

• I hate dating. I dislike small talk: it is so trivial.

• There are no good guys out there- all the good ones are taken and the rest are crazy.

• I don’t like internet dating: I think it makes me look desperate to have to advertise.

Stop being judgmental. Dating is the only way to find the love and companionship that you seek. The majority of single folk of all ages are seeking what you seek. The crazy folk, eccentrics, and those who are clearly fearful of commitment are easy to spot and better to avoid. Joyfully dating carefully and wisely enables you to eliminate them early.

Please read my Preparation for Joyful Dating and work hard to challenge the negative and critical attitudes you have towards yourself, others, and the dating process. Preparation is essential in order to date with joy. Be thankful for the internet connection: it is a good friend (and has brought you and me together.

Small talk is the lubricant that glides into a comfortable connection. Keep it light: weather, movies, shyness about meeting strangers, etc. It really is easy as long as you do not insist on instantly having meaningful conversations with strangers.

This is the lament I hear from single women who really want to give up their single status. “Your statement clearly makes no sense’” I say. “Men are not being abducted by aliens. I meet men everywhere.”

“O.K.,” they respond, “ but there are no suitable men out there.”

“What do you mean by unsuitable?” I ask. The responses to this question are always the same: “They are all:

• Married

• Unfaithful

• Crazy

• Gay

• Only interested in sex

• Only want to marry younger women.

If I exclude the small percentage of Gay men from this list, the rest of these descriptions are critical and hostile opinions of the male sex who (for the most part) genuinely love family, children, and grandchildren, just as women do.

It would seem that women who complain about the so-called selfishness and mental instability of men in general are unlikely to want to be in a relationship with one. But they still insist that they do. So what is the real problem?

My Answer

For many women, a close relationship is a frightening and threatening situation. Emotionally immature (Through no fault of their own) they become attached to their loves. They vigilantly look for signs of love, sexual attraction, and oblique references to a future together. Fearing abandonment, they wish for reassurance and seek to be the center of attention of their lovers lives. Silently, they resent their partners friends (male and especially female) and also any activities or sports that separate the man from them.

As the relationship develops, jealous, self-pitying emotions erupt into anger, sulking rages, unreasonable demands, and inexplicable criticism: “If you really cared about me, you would ___________” etc. Men are confused by the change in behavior from the compliant woman who passive pleased them to the unhappy girlfriend she has become; eventually the men lose interest and leave. Thus the anti-male complaints I hear from single women are confirmed by experience.

In my experience, most men of marrying age only want one thing: a happy marriage.