Sheenah Hankin

• The most important rule for the would-be popular person is to honestly and kindly say No when when asked to do something that is not right for you to do. So many people mistakenly believe that pleasing others and doing whatever they ask will endear you from them. The opposite is true, and you will gain far more respect by being honest.

• Refuse to be disrespectfully treated. When treated badly, respond maturely with a simple and moderate non-blaming statement, beginning with “I.” For example; “I was disappointed when you forgot my birthday.” Avoid guilt-inducing, blame-filled condemnations (“How could you forget after all the gifts I bought you, etc.”) Again, respect and popularity is based upon how you avoid conflict. Bullies and whiners are unpopular.

• Don’t be a complainer. People tire of whiners and lamers, who have the paranoid and mistrustful view that life is treating them badly, and who crave others sympathy. No one wants to hear about your ailments or your mean boyfriend – at least not for long.

• Be friendly, smile at strangers, reach out and cherish relationships, and stay in touch with friends and family no matter how far away they are.

• Finally, have fun. Collect stories to tell, especially if they show you in a less than perfect light: people have empathy for embarrassing moments.

So be fun, affectionate, respectful and respected, honest and accountable to others. Then, just watch you popularity rise.

“What happened to sex? We just don’t seem to do it anymore.”
Let us say you do not feel like having sex, or you think about it but do not get around to it. Is this OK with you? What about your partner? If he or she complains about the infrequency of sex or your lack of interest, there is a problem in your relationship, and it will get worse if you do not do something about it.
Why do people forget to have sex?
1.An obvious answer is that they have other things on their minds: career, children, financial worries, and issues with an aging partner are just a few of the matters that can get in the way of taking care of your relationship. However, relationships do no take care of themselves; they require the attention of both partner. Taking each other for granted and you may lose each other. Neglecting the relationship for granted is a sure way to to lose the relationship.
2.Some people think that every sexual encounter should be a major production, complete with courtship, romance, and lengthy lovemaking. As a result, they can seldom arrange for a time or place for all of the ingredients to come together. They may in fact be eager to have sexual relations, but their own sense of perfection makes it difficult (and eventually impossible) to fulfill their expectations.
3.Some people become indifferent to sex, especially after spending many years with the same person. They have so many things to think about to do. Both they and their partner have become predictable (both in bed and elsewhere.) Believing that they must feel in the mood for sex (and seldom feeling that way) they neglect this important aspect of married life. They may also come to see their partners as demanding if they complain about the neglect, and this can result in further disinterest or resentment due to the “demands”.
What to do? The solution is sex by prescription (RxSex.) Do it at least once a week, whether you feel like it or not.
1.Force yourself not to neglect your partner. You do not have to be madly turned on at first. Give yourself half a chance to get turned on, and you will. Give your partner an opportunity to stir up your interest and see what happens.
2.Do not make sex a big deal- at least not every time. Save the candles and wine and fireplaces for special occasions.
3.Ignore your feelings. Waiting for the mood to strike can lead you to celibate retirement. Adults are not supposed to be ruled by their feelings. You have a mind to tell you what is the best thing to do- use it! You can figure out that it is best for your relationship if you do not neglect your partner- and avoid the risk that he or she will feel unattractive and unlovable.
Sex by prescription may seem artificial and contrived, but it works. Your partner will appreciate it, especially if you do not approach sex as if it were an unpleasant task. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and your relationship to try. Once you get the momentum going, sex by prescription becomes sex by desire. So sex at least once a week is a good idea for most couples (more often for younger couples and less for older folks, except vacations.) But we all need a baseline to establish what is normal for us. Take this psychological pill- it works!

Whatever you want to give up, change, or leave behind- binging, pleasing others, whining, procrastinating, etc.- I want you to consider taking the first step by improving all of your relationships. Why? Because people who are in good relationships are much more motivated to change. They feel far less anxious, ashamed, sorry for themselves, and angry; the very feelings that trigger their bad habits. Here are my relationship enhancing strategies:

1. Up your appreciation of others by 50% daily.

2. Be affectionate- touch, reach out and (when appropriate) hug and kiss those you care for.

3. When in a social setting, be confident and make small talk. Do not wonder if people like you or not.

4. Don’t complain. It irritates others.

5. Say “No” when you don’t want to do something that someone wants you to do.

6. Laugh a lot- look for funny events, collect everyday funny stories, and repeat them. (Especially if they present you as screwing up. We all do.)

7. Pay attention to children and teenagers. Talk to them, giving them encouragement and comfort.

8. Manage your anger maturely: no rage, no crying, no guilt, no blame, and definitely no sulking.

If you need help in achieving these steps, read to my book, Complete Confidence, published by Harper Collins, available for purchase or download at amazon.com.

When we treat others well, we are far more motivated to stop treating ourselves badly.

Here is a question I get asked frequently:

“What’s my problem? Why can’t I just say NO when asked to do things I don’t want to do? I’m such a pleaser and I am angry with myself.”

The problem is that you feel guilty if you think you’ll disappoint others. Why? Because you believe you will hurt their feelings and they won’t like you. So, deep down you are trying to avoid criticism and gain popularity. This never works, and it undermines self-respect.

You need to give up this Pleaser Policy. You will have to practice every day in order to get over the guilt habit which traps you into servicing others and not yourself.

Here is my DAILY WORKOUT PROGRAM FOR OVERCOMING A GUILT HABIT.

RULE ONE. Always think NO before you say YES. Put off answering or offering to do something by saying, “Let me get back to you on that.” Never say YES or offer to do something until you follow Rule 2.

RULE TWO. Ask yourself, Is this what I believe to be the right thing for me to do? If the answer is YES, help out cheerfully and without resentment.

If your answer is NO, follow Rule 3.

RULE THREE. How to say No. Simply say,

“No, I cannot do what you ask.” Or, “This is something I am unable to help you with.”

If you know the person will be upset, add this: “I understand that you will be disappointed, but I must say no at this time.”

RULE FOUR. Say no more. No explanations, apologies or excuses. If pressured, repeat your statement. Now you must comfort yourself, for you will feel a rush of guilt and shame at first. Use reassuring words: “It’s OK. I did the right thing.”

In my book, Complete Confidence, I have a whole chapter designed to show you how to retain your brain so you can live a calm, confident, guilt-free life.

Holidays are family times, but not everybody has a family, and if they do they may be unable to go home this year to celebrate.

If you are alone this year, it is important to find ways to celebrate and not to make the mistake of ignoring the whole thing. If you do not make plans, you are likely to feel very SORRY for yourself and very ENVIOUS of others, and ANGRY that their lives are better than yours. These emotions often lead to a depressive episode. Others’ lives may look better from the outside, but no one’s life is wonderful.

Christmas and Hanukah are times for the giving of gifts. If you are alone, give others the gift that no one has enough of- the gift of TIME. So, volunteer to serve turkey dinners in homeless shelters, or visit patients who are alone in the hospital. Hospitals are short-staffed at this time of year. Apply ahead of time so you can go through the intake process. After thaw work is over, there is usually a holiday party for the helpers.

Celebrate by going to church, synagogue or some other place of worship. There is always a warm welcome there, and music and decorations bring a sense of joy and BELONGING which is essential to PSYCHOLOGICAL SECURITY. If you are not religious, go anyway- it is good to be with others.

If possible, reach out to others who are alone and ask them out for a little Christmas spirit.

If none of the above are possible, make a reservation for yourself at the best restaurant you can afford. If you are nervous about eating alone, try a hotel dining room- many single travelers eat alone all the time. If you are a shut-in, join a TV family like ours. Do something special for yourself- bake cookies, get on the phone and call that far-away family, or chat on the internet. There is always someone out there.

WRAP. TV is much criticized as a time waster, but TV is a friend to people who are alone. Much time and effort goes into planning programming to help you feel festive. Watch the world’s greatest concerts and movies, and yes, make plans for Christmas and New Years’ Eve 2010- you know how fast it comes. You may be alone at Christmas, but you ARE NOT ALONE IN LIFE.

COMPLETE CONFIDENCE IN ONE MINUTE

Sheenah answers your questions about: SURVIVING FAMILY HOLIDAYS

Human beings are not simply pursuers of happiness. We also seek familiarity, and familiarity is about family.

When adults go home for the holidays, they forget that they are likely to fall back into their familiar child-like habits of feeling, thinking, and behaving. So here are some hints on how to avoid sulking, losing your temper and storming out, or just being irritable and prickly like kids so often are.

HINT ONE. Be realistic–not pathologically optimistic, which means optimism that disregards the facts. Your family has not changed, and they are very likely to treat you like the kid they knew. Be prepared!

HINT TWO. Privacy, the domain of the adult, is likely to be disregarded, and you will be subjected to intrusive questions, like: “Are you still dating that jerk”? And, “Exactly how much are you earning now”? You are not, like a child, obliged to answer these questions. Practice sidestepping them politely, for example, say, “Let’s not talk about my love life today–by the way, how’s Aunt Mary”? Or, “I earn enough to keep a little ahead of the IRS.”

HINT THREE. You will be criticized and given unwanted advice. (Criticism in another form.) Cut this off kindly. Say, “Let’s not discuss my weight, hair cut or single status today.” And, “Thank you for advice–I’ll give it some thought,” when of course you don’t have to. There is an art in refusing to respond to provocation in a non hostile way. Develop it.

HINT FOUR. Refuse to feel guilty in response to your family’s complaining. Comfort yourself with this thought: Kids had better fulfill their parents’ expectations; adults don’t have to. So if you hear, as I did, “Mrs. X is so fortunate –her daughter lives right next door to her, and they are always together.” A subversive guilt message: “You’re a lousy daughter for living across the Atlantic and not taking care of me.” Say, “Yes, some mothers have all the luck”! Agreeing is a ploy that heads off guilt-inducing complaining.

HINT FIVE. Be an adult guest. Don’t lie on the sofa, watching the game while Mommy takes care of you. Bring the flowers and the wine, help with the dishes, and remember to thank your host and hostess.

Stay cool. Don’t over eat–there’s no comfort in that. Don’t drink too much. You’ll act immaturely if you do. If you feel your temper rising–take a break. Go call a friend and reconnect with your current life for a minute. This will help you to stay calm. If you act differently others will respond differently also. It’s all up to you.

There’s more about emotional maturity in my book, Complete Confidence.

Sheenah Hankin-Author ©   “Complete Confidence”  Harper Collins

Michael Jackson lacked confidence.  This statement may surprise many people. Michael was anxious, fearful and untrusting, save for a few in his inner circle. Those who fear criticism, hurt and rejection suffer from what I call “paranoid anxiety.” Like small children, they are insecure and untrusting, so hiding out from the world makes sense to them. (He wore a surgical mask and covered his children’s heads—he hid them also.)

Childhood should be boring! I have made this statement many times. Why? Because the secure daily rhythm of life, run by reliable parents or parent, calms a child’s brain. It is comforting. As they grow they calm themselves and step out into a world without anxiety, able to set up routines for themselves. They become confident.

Michael’s family life was violent dramatic and frightening.  He had no child time—the freedom to play and the chance to be left alone. He was on stage and famous at eight years old. Child stars who grow up to be confident rely on a strong family structure in order to handle the adulation they earn. Without this they do not mature successfully.

It takes a lot of maturity to also withstand the exploitation, embarrassment, humiliation and jealous hostility that all stars face. Michael was ill-prepared to handle this. So he retired to Neverland, the self-indulgent childhood paradise with no Captain Hook to challenge him and no Wendy to provide order and emotional comfort.

Self-pity is a feeling of deprivation, and a deprived brain will indulge. Like so many with this serious emotional habit, he binged. Serial plastic surgeries are a sign of serial dissatisfaction. I suspect Michael took substances to attempt to alleviate his painful self-pity.

Few say no to the Super-rich and famous. Michael did not say no to himself. He bought everything a child would want, including three children of his own. But was he content in his magic kingdom? He was clearly in pain—filled with self-pity, which is the emotional legacy of uncomforted children. No one said no to Michael, let alone the children he acquired and used to fulfill his immature fantasies.

Fame, fortune, talent, money and adoration never saved him.  Sadly, his constructed childhood including other boys, many of them sick. His pity for them reflected his own. But he was a fully grown man, and mature men are expected to provide direction, safety and security for children. It is frightening to meet men who act like children. It is threatening when they sleep and play the adolescent games young teens play.  They in turn become filled with mistrust and shame.

Michael died with a life that was out of his control. He was never mature and confident enough to manage it. At his death he was trying to calm his painful emotions with multiple medications. Sadly it didn’t work, it so rarely does.  May he be peaceful now.

When recession scuttles a booming economy we all worry about money, jobs, and in some cases, even homes. When our survival is threatened and the future uncertain and unsafe, it is all too easy for people to overload their brains with anxiety. This prevents the brain from utilizing the essential mood stabilizers that are designed to calm us and enable us to think clearly and strategically when we are threatened.

The first of these is the hope that drives action. When shrinks like me meet someone in a depressive mood, one of the symptoms is a profound sense of hopelessness. I know their depression is in fact an episode, which usually lasts from three to six months even without treatment. Recessions never last either, but you can be confident that the pressure on the financial markets and on us will weaken and the good times will return. So refuse to lose hope.

Secondly, avoid blame. Looking for the “bad guys” and the general assigning of blame makes you a victim. (Victims see themselves as unable to help themselves.) Most financial decisions we make involve a lender and a lendee (you and me). So we have a choice: we can blame both parties and feel both shame and self-pity, which generates depression; we can blame financial leaders, government and financial institutions for not taking care of us. We avoid shame this way, but complaining victims both avoid personal responsibility and waste the energy needed for creative short term solutions. So the confident decision is to blame no one, as confident people do not blame others (save for criminals and terrorists and the like) and are therefore much more likely to act effectively in tough situations.

Thirdly, don’t avoid. Fearful people want to hide. Bills remain unopened. Creditors are avoided. Anxiety and fear pile up. When in debt, be honest with those you owe; honesty will command respect and negotiations are much easier when each side respects the other. Seek the advice of knowledgeable others—money smart friends and relatives and other wise financial advisors. Please avoid anyone whose approach to life is negative and helpless. They lack confidence and lack of confidence is a virus you can easily catch. If you lose your job, start your search within hours of the pink slip. Those in business need to believe in and find new ways to turn around their businesses.

Fourth and finally, calm and comfort your brain in order to build and restore confidence. You have this potential but may not have the skill. Begin by telling yourself to calm down a little in order to think more clearly. Then challenge your doom and gloom thinking. This is not the end of life as you know it, but a serious setback that demands a calm and confident response. Over-reactive thinking builds anxiety. Finally, comfort your self-pity, shame and anxiety with a biochemical brain-changing intervention—words of comfort that include encouragement for action:

“I can get through this.”

“I will do what it takes to survive.”

“There is something I can do today to take care of myself.”

New skills need constant practice. Repeat and rehearse these words and you will activate the calming chemical structures that will save you from drowning in fear and anxiety. Your brain will learn, and confidence once learned is never forgotten for long.

In my book Complete Confidence, I help people train their brains so that they can gain the confidence they need to play the game of life with a winning hand.

© Sheenah Hankin 08

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Every contest has a winner, but those who do not win need not think of themselves as losers. People who call themselves “losers” undermine their own confidence. They often say they are stupid or helpless, believing that they never win regardless of how hard they try. Losing without becoming a loser requires sticking to a few simple rules.

1. Don’t blame yourself. Some athletic competitions involve defeating an opponent or beating a clock, but many contests rely only on impressing judges. The winner of a beauty contest is the one who, in the opinion of judges, is the best. If there were other judges there might be a different winner—possibly you. So:

2. Think realistically, not negatively. At any time it is possible to have an off day, so do not think that you will never win. Confident people are realistic thinkers. They believe a loss is a one-off event, and that they have good chances of winning in the future. This thought is calming, comforting and encouraging.

3. Don’t complain. There are two catch-phrases used by people who are disappointed: “Poor me” and “It’s not fair.” These folks have self-pity problem. They anger easily, are often jealous, and in a very self-centered way feel they have been uniquely picked on to suffer. They discourage themselves and are less likely to see a loss as a temporary setback.

Disappointment is an every day occurrence. Losing is a disappointment, not a tragedy. I call losing a “normal reversal” that requires a normal response. It is not terrible or tragic if you do not get that job, your new date does not call you back, or you are a few numbers off from winning the lottery. Disappointment happens to everyone at times. Don’t exaggerate! Give yourself lots of comfort and reassurance, no negativity, and most of all, no whining!

Let’s be frank: loss is a normal disappointment requiring comfort and reassurance, not shameful criticism or helpless self-pity.

Let’s be clear: The confident person manages loss calmly, with acceptance and the determination to try again.

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Many people want to stop taking anti-depressant medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Here are some of their reasons:

• Side effects—especially diminished sexual interest and erectile dysfunction. Patients who take antidepressants over many months report poor memory and general flatness of mood.

• Lack of improvement—between 50 to 70 percent of those who take SSRIs report at least 50 percent symptoms reduction. But that leaves a lot of people (30 to 50 percent) who are not helped at all or do not improve very much.

Here is what to do:

• Consult your doctor, but do not allow yourself to talked out of a decision that is you really want. Follow instructions about how to reduce dosage correctly and safely.

• Expect to feel more emotional—you may be more sensitive, quick to anger, or increasingly nervousness. The drugs temporarily dull down these feelings.

• If necessary—and some people report feeling better without SSRIs—seek further help.

Here are some suggestions:

• Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)—twelve to sixteen sessions of CBT are highly effective for depression, and CBT is better for relapse prevention.

• Pastoral or other counseling with a professional who has had experience helping depression.

• Self-help—of course, I recommend my book Complete Confidence. Why? Because it shows you how to manage the negative thoughts and feelings that flood and depress the brain, an essential skill for a confident life.

Note: There is no research to support the claim made by drug companies that you have a “chemical imbalance.” SSRIs can be effective but we really don’t yet know why.

Let’s be frank: Your brain is your responsibility; make your own decisions about how to care for it.

Let’s be clear: Emotional imbalance (for example, anxiety) needs an emotional response—calming and comfort.